Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
