my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
