Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
