my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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