Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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