I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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