if i can run in heels then i can drive
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
What a dumb baby whore.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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