I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
