I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
