Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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