Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
