i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I pour the whiskey from now on
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
