dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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