i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
