when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
