Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
