pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
