i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
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