i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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