Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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