Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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