Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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