you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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