i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Dear god my vagina.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
