i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
