so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
