someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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