sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Randomize
