Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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