I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Help me help you realize you are a moron
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
