I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
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I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
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I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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