Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
