Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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