I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
