If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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