how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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