highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
