I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
