If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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