We won't sleep together?
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
