You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
