She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
