So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
