that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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