allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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