Heybabeimwearingurpanties
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
