i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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