dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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