what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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