I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
