She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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