guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
