need another drink. this is the easiest way
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
